Feeling guilty and lost

[Sudha123]

Hello everybody,

Please excuse...this is a long post

I lost my beloved mother on Nov 3 2018 ( ekadeshi day). She was ailing for a long time and had lots of health issues. I stood by her all the time. On Oct 19, She lost her consiousness after suffering a stroke( totally unexpected). Just before she passed she opened her eyes and saw all of us and died in front of my eyes.This is killing me everyday. I am not able to overcome her loss . I could not save her. I had been chanting mantras/slokas/ switch words all these years for my mother to recover. Everything gone in vain. I don't know what my mother wished to say or do finally. Could anyone help me out.why did my mother suffer so much? She was a wonderful and generous people.She has always taught us good things. Why has god been so cruel to her . I cannot express the suffering s she underwent. I am so upset and lost. I feel guilty that none of my prayers helped her heal. How can I know if she is happy or has any unfulfilled desire. What should I do ? I want my mother to be happy and healthy where ever she is.
My mother's date of birth. June 5 1950.( Not sure about birth time)
She died on Nov 3 2018 at 7.26pm

Thank you.

[tejomaya]

Namaste Sudha,

Let me answer you as a person who lost his father on 7th November in a similar manner. The way in which one passes away is mostly fixed by prarabdha karma. Prarabdha karma is the actions of past lives which are to bear fruit in this one. The suffering one undergoes before death is also part of that karma. What exact karma has led to this is not knowable to most people. Only yogis can exactly link a karma and its result. Some prarabdha karma phala is not totally fixed.Only if the prarabdha is not totally fixed, our remedies work.

We are not mere human beings. Our personalities, like our bodies, are also created based on our previous karma. We are eternal beings- older than this cycle of creation, not to mention a single human life time. Whatever suffering your mother underwent is just a blink of an eye when she herself would be able to see from a higher plane. She is not dead, merely moved from this martya loka(plane where death exists). If you and your siblings ensure proper rites after death, she will get the benefits both in her sojourn in Pitru loka or Svarga and in her future birth. She will bless you from there.

The relationship you have had with your mother is not ended by her "death". The love and the relationship continues across lifetimes. The relationship may change in a new incarnation, the love never does.

It is natural for a person to ask "why" when a loved one dies. It is indeed part of the 6 stages of grief. The answer is immaterial as we cannot change the past. Her bodily suffering is over. You are however grieving for someone whom you have not lost. This is just a temporary separation in an eternal relationship.

[tejomaya]

Just to add:

1.Traditionally Ekadashi is said to be a great tithi to leave the mortal body in terms of the impact on the afterlife. So the fact that your mother left her body on this tithi should be of solace to you.

2. Very few souls leave without any desires left. They may not need to reincarnate on this plane. The Shraddha and tarpana done for ancestors after they leave this plane is done to ensure that their minds are at peace and that they are happy in the hereafter. As I understand, the effect of any unsatisfied desires that keep them bound to this world are removed. The word tarpana comes from the root trupti or satisfaction and repeatedly the karta says "tripyata" or "be satisfied".

Performance of Shraddha as per rules of Smrti is the best way to ensure that your mother is happy and satisfied in the afterlife. If finances are a problem or if there is no son or the like, there are always ways to work around this as mentioned in the smrtis. Your purohita will be able to help you with details.

[Sudha123]

Dear Tejomayaji,
Thank you so much for your reply. I understand karma plays an important role in our lives and death is unavoidable. I have been experiencing strange feelings from the time my mother died. There is anger, frustration, disappointment ,sorrow and guilt. I was hoping mom will recover eventually,but her condition worsened day by day. The more I prayed the more she suffered. Family members keep saying I was only holding her so long, otherwise she would have left long ago. Honestly I was hoping some micracle would happen( sounds crazy rite???) and she would recover. I was duped.Now I feel ,I was responsible for her sufferings.Is there a possibility to read my mom's chart and find about her past life misdeeds.Do departed souls come back into the same family if there is an afterlife?? I shall give u my details too, is it possible to find if my mom and I were together in our past lives too, please help me overcome this guilt feeling and grief. I understand I am asking too many questions...yet I seek answers. Please help.
My details:
Dob. - July 1 1975
Tob - 00.50 am( 0050hrs)
Pob - Chennai

[tejomaya]

Dear Sudha,

Please let go of the notion that you are experiencing something strange. Death of a parent is something very big. Your feeing "anger, frustration, disappointment ,sorrow and guilt" is but natural. Doesn't happen to everyone, but is still natural. Your prayers, japa,upaya, prayoga and hoping for a miracle isn't unnatural or strange. It is the normal reaction of a person who loves their mother. It is not perhaps the only normal reaction, but nothing strange or weird about it. Its perfectly normal.

You were not duped in any way- one does not know how strong the prarabdha karma which is causing an event is. The strength of the prarabdha determines whether or not your action will prevail.Very few people can tell you about this in advance- in addition, how and where divine grace will play its hand is known only to the divine.We can only apply for it. There is no harm and nothing wrong in trying. But giving up all hope in such things is wrong and may not help in the long run.

Are you responsible for her suffering ? Death and how it occurs is mostly as result of prarabdha karma. Perhaps your prayers led her to die on ekadashi tithi- ensuring her good state in the afterlife. Your intention has been good. What happened and why it happened is not known and not knowable to most people. I haven't read or heard anywhere( from sastra or learned people) about people having more suffering as a result of prayers being done for them. Suffering can be caused as a result of 1. Previous karma or 2. Prayoga by someones intention to harm. In this case, your intention is only to help. So any suffering is caused only by the results of your mother's previous karma. Burning off of this karma in this birth may help her have a better birth in the future.

How will it help for you to know if you and your mother were connected in past lives ? If your current life bond has been very strong, there is a good possibility that there was a connection. You should look to the future and not the past. Your connection with the soul that has been your mother in this birth will endure long past this birth in which you identify yourself as Sudha ( or whatever you identify yourself as in real life). Bodies, personalities and states of mind are all temporary. The bonds of love(and other strong emotions) are stronger than that. Don't worry about her past life misdeeds or your own. Everyone on this planet ( unless they are souls born here just to help others) are born because of sins committed in the past. As per the Devi Bhagavatha Mahapurana, repeated cycles of creation(after each mahapralaya) happen because of pending karma phala of the jivas in the creation. So seek to identify with the ocean of bliss that is the Divine and dont waste your time in this pointless quest.

Getting rid of grief- the only thing that really helps in getting rid of grief is a strong spiritual practice under a Guru.

Read about the stages of grief. It will go away in time by itself. Spiritual practice helps over a long run. You have a horoscope that leads me to think it will be a fruitful path for you. For householders, detachment is as effective as renunciation for sanyasis.

You are going through the dasha of your 8th lord, so I suggest you ask a separate question here so you can do some upaya to protect yourself.

[Sudha123]

Thank you Tejomayaji,

I shall do my best to move on.. It will take time for sure. My father is also very depressed.He is 77 years old ,he took care of mom so well. Just like me ,he too is not able to accept mom's demise. Now I have take care of him.


You wrote I am going through the dasha of 8th lord, what is this all about? Hope my father is safe .

Thanks
Sudha

[joyd]

THere are two kinds of vairagyas that wont come under real vairagya.THe 1 one is prasoothi and the 2nd one is smashana.Hope you are cleared now.

joyd.

[Sudha123]

Dear Joyd ji,

Could you elaborate more on vairagyas. I don't understand either of them . How are they related to me.

Thanks
Sudha

[rita]

That is an excellent write-up by Tejomaya. Death and Karma has been really well explained, with so much clarity. Thanks Tejomaya!! It will be a great help for anyone going through the grieving process after the loss of a loved one.

Sudha - Please don't think that your feelings after the passing of your mother are strange. Many people go through such feelings after losing someone close. As you say, whatever was possible was done for your mother during her illness. Spirituality, prayers will definitely help you at this stage. Depression and tears cannot bring the person back. So the best thing is to try to recall the good memories, take life a day at a time, and live a life that would make your mother feel proud of you.

[tejomaya]

Sudha,

It is only the constant japa and anusmarana which can effectively destroy sorrow. Please gently guide your father into these. As the Devi Mahatmyam says the natural tendency of the mind is to seek out and dwell on sorrowful events. Its only during times as these that one will really notice this happening. True freedom from the problems of our selves is something that is given as a result of Divine/Guru krpa(again as the Devi Mahatmyam says). The mantra after some time acts like the Sun rising in the morning and dispells all darkness within and without. It is best if received from a Guru.

Yes, through pranayama and other forms of yoga as well, this is possible but as we are talking about people who are not so young, this is gentler on the body.

As for the 8th lord dasha, given your current state of mind and knowledge of astrology, IMHO it would not be useful to delve too deep into astrology immediately. It is better to come to a more calm and normal state of mind first.

Satsanga would also be very good for you and your father, the company of the wise and spiritual will be of great solace and for your father, who has lost his life companion, it will provide more relief and friendships as time goes on.

[Sudha123]

Dear Rita and Tejomayaji,
Thanks for your reply. I used to recite so many slokas and mantras. I used to talk to cosmos/ water/ fire/ earth/ air...asking them to send positive vibes to my mother and heal her.. I used to pray to the Sun God.. I did everything ......I am blank now. I do not have anything to do now. Call me selfish, yes I was. My mother was my only focus. I have never seen my mother healthy in my life time..she always struggled with some complication or the other.. My devotion to God became stronger day by day. Somehow I developed hope that she will recover. I planned to do so many things with her. But her condition worsened. She was on dialysis. I could not offer her water or food she wanted . I could not take her to places where wanted to go( she could not walk) she could not watch Television because of poor eyesight and poor hearing. She lost weight and became very skinny. Her heart function was only 30 percent. She suffered a stroke finally. Can God be so cruel to anybody. Everybody talks about Karma.. I understand we all are here for our past deeds. I never gave up till the final moment. I am so used to slokas/ mantras that I chant them subconsciously..they keep ringing in my ears as I do my daily chores. Everything is stopped now. Everything is gone with my mother. Don't know when I will get over this ....will take time.

My father is devastated. I don't have the courage to face him. He weeps like a kid. He had so much confidence on me , hoping if I am with mom she will be okay. We both did everything. Nothing worked.. Anyways I shall take care of him and see ways to keep us occupied. Sorry for the long post..
I happened to read the book " many lives .many masters" ...talks about past life connections and reincarnation s.. Does this really happen,?? I would appreciate if anyone draws a link between my mother and me in previous life times. At least I can thank God for showing mercy on me.


Thank you very much. Your messages are very comforting. Please help us move on.

Sudha

[shivathmika]

All relationships are the out come of past karmas . What ever we owe to some body we have to pay it back and whatever some bodyowwes to us we get paid , whether it is in cash or service or love or hatred or treachery . There is nothing known as design . Every thing is predestined . Our actions of our past births are reflected in the birth chart . Prarabda karma can never be changed . It is sanchitha karma which can be altered . Snachitha karma gets reflected in our attitudes , traits and thought process . When once the account of payments and receipts isfinshed the relationship ends by way of death or separation .So it is an inevitable law of karma . We have to accept it gracefully and move on ith life . The pariharas suggested give strength and hope . But they do not totally change the karmic result .You should not feel guilty because you have done your best . Where ever she is now , your mother blesses you which give courage and strength to you . Her blessings give good fortunate life to your children .

[Sudha123]

Thank you Shivathmika for your kind words.

[Luckygirl]

Very sorry to hear that you lost your mother.
Please dont feel guilty. Maybe you couldn't do all the things you wanted to do with her. But you did a lot more things by taking care of her and praying for her.
My kids are going through a tough time seeing me suffer with my health. They know me as a healthy person pre 2016. Afterwards how much every I fight, I struggle.
I am still fighting and not losing hope.
You held on to the hope that she will recover. But the prarabda was stronger than all the prayers and efforts.
My guru told me that prarabda is of 2 types, prabhalam: strong. Whatever effort and prayers we put is only to strengthen us to fo through it. This was the case with your mom
Durbhalam: weak, pariharams and free will will completely wipe out such prarabda. These are the miracle recoveries that we see happening to some people.
Do we know if it is prabalam or durbalam ? No we dont.
It's only after experiencing and fighting it we come to know.
You have earned a lot of punya by taking care of your mother very well. Gets added to your sanchita karma package.
Take care be well
Time will heal the loss. A long time. But her suffering in this manushya janma came to an end. Be relieved for her.

[Sudha123]

Thank you so much Luckygirl. I was thinking about my mom, just before I read your message. It is so difficult to give up and let go. I am supposed to be a very strong person. I never cry that easily. ,but now I am very weak and become very emotional for small things.
Who knows what is instore for me. May be it is my karma to suffer like this. Today is Shankaranthi, I just could not focus on anything.
Thank you for taking time to write to me. Please take care of your health and kids. Wishing you a speedy recovery .Will keep you in my thoughts.

Regards
Sudha